How to Popcorn

My hands were salty, as I had just finished another bag.

Feeling stimulated, I knew it would be temporary. Feeling stuffed, I still wanted more though. It was past midnight and an intense salt craving led me to binge on popcorn, yet again.

The next morning, I woke up with a ‘salt headache’, as I have coined this distinct sensation, which is not that uncommon for me. The relief is to eat some fruit usually to balance out the sodium.

Not feeling great, I wondered why I did this to my body yet again. I identify as a disciplined person yet in these moments, I cave to my cravings.

I wanted to learn how to control what previously felt uncontrollable to me.

It was in a therapy session that we dove into a subject that I had not yet thought about but is the invisible hand guiding so much of my life: impulse.

I’ve become curious to explore the nature of impulse and its role in my life. It has opened up a new dimension of self-awareness, one that influences every aspect of my existence, from my professional decisions to my daily social interactions, and my routines and dietary choices, including popcorn impulses.

Impulse, as I've come to understand, is more than a mere fleeting thought or a spontaneous desire. It feels like an involuntary pulse of energy, an internal force that seeks expression in my external world.

This pulse of energy can manifest in numerous ways – the sudden craving for a salty snack, the urge to pick up a piece of garbage off the ground, or the need to stand and stretch after sitting for an extended period.

It's a subtle force that compels me to surround myself with people, to host gatherings, or conversely, to retreat into solitude and pour my thoughts and feelings onto the pages of my journal.

In reflecting upon these impulses, I've noticed moments when I consciously restrain them, applying a filter of rationality, social etiquette, or long-term goals. The often referenced ‘delayed gratification’ involves controlling impulse.

For example, this past weekend I did not engage in Black Friday or Cyber Monday shopping. Despite me being in London for a few days, and having walked into Reiss (my favorite clothing store) somewhat unconsciously, I used my discipline to walk right out without buying anything. I resisted the temptation to check what was on sale on Amazon’s homepage as well.

As I explore the topic more though, it becomes clear that if my impulses are overly constrained, they tend to find other avenues for expression.

They can bubble up and manifest in various forms – binge-eating, excessive consumption of media, hyper-focus on exercise, or even an uncontrolled outpouring of emotions. These are not mere actions; they are the physical manifestations of inner energies that have been suppressed and are now demanding release.

Nutrition is probably the best place I’ve seen myself overconstraining impulse, which turns out to be unhealthy. Like restricting my diet so much, and at some moment when my barriers are down, I will binge uncontrollably.

A constrained impulse finds a way to express itself, sooner or later.

It's a fascinating duality: the controlled versus the uncontrolled, the constrained versus the unconstrained.

The essence of an impulse, however, is deeper than these binary categories. It is not about classifying them as positive or negative, good or bad, nor is it about suppressing or indulging them indiscriminately. The true challenge and opportunity I’m learning lies in learning how to contain these impulses – to recognize them, understand their origins and significance, and then choose how to respond to them. This process is not about constriction; it's about mindful acknowledgment and deliberate action.

Containment of my impulse allows me the chance to choose what to do with it.

In business and investing, I’ve been a victim to uncontained impulse. Making a snap decision that I later questioned and couldn’t find the reason behind it. Be it buying a stock based on a random data point or article, or starting a new business without taking a moment to think about it, or exploring a new market or product because it is new and shiny to me.

This is why I’m fascinated by the idea of learning how to contain the impulse versus constrain it. This newfound understanding reveals where real freedom resides. It's in the conscious choice of how to express an impulse. When I decide how and when to act on these pulses of energy, I am no longer at their whims.

There's a profound sense of power and agency in this – a feeling of being in control, not in a domineering way, but in a manner that allows for thoughtful and intentional expression of my inner desires and energies.

Understanding impulses is teaching me about the delicate art of self-awareness and conscious decision-making. It’s an exploration of self-mastery, where each impulse is a chance to understand myself better and to make choices that align with what I truly want.

Self-control and discipline is not the answer. It is more nuanced than that. It is about awareness, acknowledgement, and conscious choice.

I have a long way to go on this path to understanding how to co-exist with my many impulses, in a healthy way. It’s about making conscious what has previously been unconscious.

My decade of committed mindfulness practices have helped me refine the skills of awareness and paying attention to the subtleties of life. It is incredible what I begin to notice when I simply pay attention.

In the meantime, when the salt craving hits me late into the evening, I will take a moment to try and contain the impulse before letting it run wild and free.

And that is how I am learning to popcorn.