How to Friend

I didn’t realize he had been holding it for so long. It must have been difficult for him, and I was completely unaware of it this entire time.

“In our years of friendship, it was the only moment I felt annoyed and frustrated with you”.

A long pause ensued and I felt anxious.

Then, a gentle smile appeared on my face.

The fact he could share how he actually felt with me was a good sign. A sign that he trusted me, felt secure enough in our friendship to share and that he was invested in my growth.

I continued to listen to him with curiosity, to understand where he was going with this.

“You pushed me on something I wasn’t ready to look at then, but looking back, it was what I needed to hear. That seed that you planted six months ago has grown. And grown very nicely. So thank you”.

A friend was referring to a conversation from last summer that I honestly did not recall. But he did. Apparently very well.

I had challenged him on an area of his life he was struggling with, and offered some feedback that was difficult for him to receive at the time.

It came from a genuine place.

That was a change for me.

At other times in the past, when sharing feedback with colleagues, family and romantic partners, it often would be tainted with some insecurity or fear I had been feeling about the situation.

I think that’s the beautiful thing about friendship, when compared to other close relationships in my life. There is a level of closeness yet detachment with friendships, in that our lives are not entangled and integrated in a way that family, colleagues and romantic partners are.

Thanks to this level of detachment from outcomes we can be truly open and honest. The stakes are just not as high as the other relationships in my life.

Put differently, I can take more risks when connecting with friends, such as choosing to ask for and offer feedback, and in doing so, ironically the closeness increases as there is a level of vulnerability that binds. Being truly vulnerable is risky. And friendships have proven to be a valuable playground for me to take those risks. The rewards have been strong, deep and meaningful friendships that seem to transcend time, geography and life stages.

Sharing feedback, like real feedback, that’s constructive, helpful and objective, is one of the greatest gifts one can give. And an even greater gift one can receive.

“You’ve watched me up close over the past few years. What am I not seeing?”, the same friend asked me, again wanting some feedback.

I was inspired by his openness and willingness to ask for help to grow. It is uncomfortable to ask for feedback. However growth often lies beyond the bounds of comfort where we like to hangout.

Learning to ask friends for feedback is something I’m still working on and hope to get better at. I can see it’s uncomfortable for the other person to be asked to give me feedback, a sign that it’s rare and something we both are learning how to do.

What I am learning is that it is helpful to gift wrap the feedback with love, and as mentioned earlier, keep myself honest to not taint my perspective with my own fears and insecurities.

My parents and sister have never been shy to share their feedback for me. However, it isn’t always the easiest to receive, as the history of our relationships are far more complicated than any of us like to admit, and the stakes will remain high for the rest of our lives together.

My business community also is not shy to share feedback when asked, be it clients, team members, investors, competitors or advisors, however again, they all have a vested interest in seeing me make decisions that are aligned as much as possible with their world view.

All of this has led me to looking to close friends as a source of valuable, and hopefully objective feedback.

“I respect you a lot my friend, for being willing to share how you feel, which I imagine isn’t easy when unpleasant, and for being willing to ask for feedback, which I also imagine isn’t easy to receive as it’s highly personal” I shared with my friend near the end of our recent conversation.

Friendship is a unique opportunity to grow, learn and experience life and ourselves in a way other relationships don’t as easily offer.

And that is how I learned to friend.