How to Anxious

The day had started slow, or at least slow relative to what my norm had been. 

Morning meditation, breathwork, journaling, light stretching, a morning walk, simple home cooked eggs for breakfast in my apartment hotel, hit the gym, a protein shake and then answered some text messages and voice notes. It was now noon and despite having a full morning, I had this feeling of ‘okay, now what?’ and unsure what to do next. I had done all of the self-care stuff I had wanted to do.

At that moment, I felt no impulse to do anything specific. A lot of my existence has involved doing energy and I felt no desire to be in that energy now. I previously enjoyed that energy, and know that I would again enjoy it in the future. However right then and there, there was no part of me that wanted to do.

That’s when I realized that I was on a sabbatical. 

I had been doing for the past fifteen years professionally, before which I had still been doing through student leadership activities during grade school, high school and university for another fifteen years. Thirty years of doing energy. And now I was experiencing for the first time a being energy.

It was now four weeks into my spontaneous world tour adventure. From Lisbon to London to Paris to Toronto and now Sydney, and the following week to India. My mind was now only catching up to the fact that my spirit was taking a break. A real break. 

Part of this break had unexpectedly involved letting go of more than I realized.

In choosing to go on this adventure without a plan, I packed light, only in a carry-on. I was learning again to live without much stuff, something I had done many years ago but had lost touch with in recent years. Less is more was the attitude I had to choose.

I left my apartment in Lisbon, which had represented the feeling of home for me. It was the first place that I lived in that I owned, and I really felt ownership of the space. I took over one year to decorate and furnish it, including setting up all of the smart home automations and making nearly everything voice activated. Technicians were still going in and out of my apartment in Lisbon while I was sitting in Sydney, having no idea when I’d return to enjoy it all. Home is inside was the attitude I had to choose.

My active social community and friend groups in Lisbon, Toronto, New York and London felt even further away now. Time zones from Sydney meant more asynchronous communication and one-way voice notes turned into personal podcasts. The connections I felt to my community remained strong however changed. Instead of knowing and sharing the ins and outs of daily living, and the frequency of contact reduced, the conversations went much deeper. I can enjoy my own company was the attitude I had to choose.

All of the professional activities, business and projects that I had so closely identified with over the past and where I exhausted a lot of my doing energy were no longer present in my day-to-day life. I had been winding down some of the new projects I had been exploring in the past year in Portugal and giving myself space to be without the constraints of having to be responsible to, or for, others professionally. I am more than I do was the attitude I had to choose.

In stepping out of my comfort zone and the life I had known, unknowingly, I caught myself in a moment of anxiety later that afternoon. More questions than answers arose inside, as I was starting to feel the discomfort of not knowing and no longer identifying with the stuff, the place, the people and the work.

I felt scared. I started to question myself. I started to feel lost.

Within moments of feeling the anxiety, in a way I had not ever felt before, I turned inwards. That only made it feel worse. As I became more aware of the anxious feelings in my stomach, in my chest, in my fingertips. The feeling of anxiety was growing quickly.

I then turned outwards. And began to share voice notes with a few close friends, going into a monologue sharing my innermost thoughts, fears and insecurities. One friend called me as I was recording a voice note to him. “I saw on Whatsapp that you were recording a message to me, so I thought I’d call to say hi”. We would go on to speak for an hour about what I had been feeling. Later that evening, another friend called me from Lisbon at 1am Sydney time. I was awake, still swimming in my anxiety, and we would go on to speak for two hours.

In those moments, I felt seen, heard and supported. 

The act of sharing with others lessened the weight of the anxiety I had been feeling. I did not feel I was alone anymore. Having friends who truly listened without an ounce of judgment, without giving any advice and without showing any desire to fix my feelings, helped me feel calm and that maybe my feelings didn’t need to be fixed right then and there.

Having expressed myself, I went to sleep and slept soundly. I woke up the next morning, the sun shining bright outside and a clear blue sky, feeling like a changed man. In my morning meditation, breathwork and journaling routine, I did not find any anxiety within myself anymore. I was surprised.

Absolutely nothing in my external world and situation had changed. I was still on sabbatical, in Sydney, without much stuff, without a place that felt like home, without the friends I had known nearby and without any professional projects. Yet how I felt about my situation had completely changed.

The process of questioning my choices and coming to the same conclusion, that I would continue on this adventure of traveling the world without a destination or end in mind, allowed me to rebuild my conviction and confidence after I had momentarily lost touch with it.

The strong feelings of anxiety I had felt the previous day were part of an important learning process. Had I reacted to the feelings by jumping on a plane back to Lisbon, which I easily could have done but surprisingly didn’t even think of, I would have deprived myself of the growth and resilience that comes from moving through an uncomfortable and deeply strong emotion. 

I now understand that the next time I feel a rush of anxiety appear, which will certainly happen, I can lean on others, I can take my time and that I will move through it eventually. I am less scared to feel anxiety. I need not be scared of the emotion and I need not avoid situations, people or experiences that may prompt it. I can look out and face life with a smile in my heart and open mind, knowing that I will be okay, regardless of what happens or does not happen.

And that is how I learned to anxious.