How to Pigeon

This is not a reflection about pigeon, a common and comforting yoga pose.

It is about a bird. More specifically, the dead pigeon I saw lying on my apartment balcony in Lisbon a few days ago.

I have long had a fear of birds and have a particular dislike of pigeons. It is not something I have explored in depth to understand why, however I know from years of walking the pigeon filled streets of New York City and squares of European capitals that my fear is triggered at a subconscious level. And this recent morning forced me to face my fear.

My morning routine is often calm and peaceful. I wake up, brush my teeth, make some herbal tea, take in some inspiration from the view of the city and river from my apartment, before sitting down to meditate.

As I looked out at the view, I noticed something on my balcony. At first, I thought there was a gray glove on the balcony. I was confused and curious.

As I walked up to the glass window for a closer look, my body jumped back suddenly, before my mind could cognitively process what I saw.

Staring at the dead pigeon lying on my balcony, from the safety of standing on the inside of the glass door, the dread and anxiety I was experiencing continued to increase.

Any sense of tranquility I had felt was long gone now. My heart rate was elevated. I was instantly aware of the immediate changes in my body sensations.

My mind began to quickly brainstorm on possible ways to deal with the situation without having to personally deal with it. Do I call my cleaner? Do I call a friend? Do I ask building security kindly to help me out?

My mind was also quick to dismiss all of these ideas.

Then I was reminded of a conversation I had yesterday with a friend by the beach. He was reminding with me that we can find meaning in everything if we look close enough, and that he often sees challenges as the universe is testing him.

The universe has often tested me. Those moments of feeling challenged are the moments I have grown the most. And gained the most. 

In an era where knowledge is available in abundance, it is clear to me that knowledge alone is not enough. It is the application of knowledge through experience and the integration of knowledge from experience that leads to wisdom. This is why so much of my life has been driven by a desire to experiment, my recipe of choice for combining knowledge with experience.

Confidence is helpful and I think can only be built through experience.

I saw this particular challenge in front of me as not only a test from the universe, but also an opportunity for me to gain a new experience, and continue to build the confidence to do things I don’t want to do.

In the face of the many challenges the universe gives me, be it physical, emotional, intellectual, relational, I always have a choice. The choice is to face it or hide from it. And assuming I chose to face it, I then can choose to integrate the experience, by taking a moment to reflect on what I learned about myself through it.

This dead pigeon lying on my balcony was a challenge and a choice. 

My legs were now shaking as I took a cardboard box and slowly opened the balcony sliding door. I walked up to it and then unconsciously jumped back. I was experiencing genuine fear, in a clearly physical way.

I walked back into the safety of my apartment and took a few deep breaths to calm down. In a moment of meta awareness, I noticed my mind was making stories and then I was reacting to those stories, so strongly that my body was shaking from it.

I needed to stop my mind from making stories. I put in my earbuds and played a recent voice message I received overnight from a friend. Hearing a familiar voice naturally put me in a state of calm, and my mind now had something else to focus on.

I then confidently walked back outside with the cardboard box, looked away to not give my mind too close of a look and did what I had dreaded doing. I did it

My mind was calm, yet my body was still shaking. I went downstairs to throw out the box and was waiting to see my body relax. It didn’t. 

Noticing this, I sat down quietly on the floor in my apartment, closed my eyes and began to do some deep breathing exercises. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and noticed my body had now relaxed.

I stood up and walked back towards the balcony. I noticed a few small red marks on the outdoor carpet on my balcony. 

A smile appeared on my face. These marks would serve as a subtle reminder for me that in the face of the many tests the universe will present to me, I have a choice and I can choose to face what I fear.

And that is how I learned to pigeon.