How to Friend

For a moment, time had stopped. I had gone back to the future.

I sat there silently, as it all felt unreal to me.

Then, I slid gently from the firm couch to the soft carpet in my living room.

A spontaneous smile bursted on my face, as I realized it was not only the furniture that was moving from firm to soft.

While I don’t remember the conversation that evening amongst my friends, I remember how it felt.

The accents were familiar, not foreign. The smiles were genuine, not forced. The laughs were comforting, not awkward. The stories were easy and impersonal, not sensitive or serious.

A few once very close friends from twenty years ago were at my place in Lisbon for dinner. They were passing through and remembered that I now live in Portugal.

But I hadn’t seen or even spoken with them in years—we had grown apart as adults, as happens.

Yet together, it felt like we were back in our university days in Canada and nothing had changed.

But everything in my life has changed since then. I became an adult. I became a business person. I became an expat. I became a meditator and yogi. I became an author.

Yet together, none of that mattered. Despite not having been in each other’s lives, our connection has nothing to do with what I had become.

But every new person I connect with in my adult life seems to only pay attention to what I have become. As a result, I then pay attention to what I have become.

Yet together, I was reminded of how safe and secure I feel in the company of familiar faces—ones that I know will not judge me regardless of what I say, do or don’t do.

As an adult, making new friends, like real friends, is not easy. The structures that come from being in school, or working a job early in one’s career, are no longer around to provide a well of new connections.

Our busy and over scheduled lives make it difficult to have the space to be spontaneous and serendipitous when meeting new people.

When I do make that space though, and keep an open energy, I learn that the new connections are always there, sometimes right in front of me.

A few weeks ago, I was at a weekend retreat for health tech entrepreneurs and investors in the north of Portugal. On the last day, I heard someone laughing loudly in the background and remember feeling annoyed. I turned around to see who it was and the next thing I know, I’m in the group conversation. Leaving my judgment behind, I began to engage with the group and noticed a sibling-like chemistry emerge between the loud voice and me.

I ended up giving her a ride to one of the afternoon events and we bonded instantly. At the seated dinner that night, we were coincidentally placed next to one another. “It was meant to be”, we joked. Together, we both became the loud voices annoying others that evening.

The next morning, I gave her a preview copy of my book, as I said goodbye. She texted me that night to share that she had read the entire book (it’s an easy read) and loved it.

What I appreciated the most about my new friend was that we had no idea what each other’s professional identities were (and still don’t) or our stories. The connection is based on how we were, more than who we are.

I recently hosted a spontaneous Halloween party at my place. Over twenty people showed up, all dressed up, on just a few days notice. (I continue to be amazed at how available everyone in the expat community is. It’s refreshing to not have to schedule and plan seeing friends weeks in advance— like I used to in New York).

One of my friends pulled me aside and said “you were right”, smiling at me.

She reminded me that we had first met one year ago to the day, and I had told her “you’re moving to Portugal, you just don’t know it yet”. She and her partner had just signed a lease for an apartment in Lisbon.

“Took you long enough!” was my response, and we gave each other a warm hug.

She could live anywhere. She chose Lisbon because community and friends are important to her right now in life. It is for me as well.

Over the past year, I have become a longevity nerd. Experimenting with various bio hacking techniques, including taking cold showers, a fist full of supplements day and night, IV drips with multivitamins pumped directly into my veins and minus 120 degrees Celsius cryotherapy treatments. My at-home red light panels just arrived.

However I have come to learn that the ultimate longevity hack is to have close friends.

Close friendships, where I feel safe and secure to be myself, and can share a level of intimacy and vulnerability with, do more for my physical well being than any of the dozens of treatments or pills I take.

There is a tension I have felt over the years between old friends and new friends. Where to spend my time and energy? Old friends represent my past, while new friends represent my future. However I’m learning that this binary way to look at this part of my life isn’t reflective of reality.

The old connections that have seen me across many chapters in life have a special place in my heart. The new connections may at times feel more relevant and connected to my present life, location and interests.

There is a reason people are in my life, and my back to the future moment that night, sitting in the comfort of my home surrounded by long-time friends, was a helpful reminder of this.

As I have changed my country, my career, and my lifestyle, it is not my friends that have changed but how I relate to them.

Unlike many things in life though, friends are something I am happy to continue to collect more of.

And this is how I learned how to friend.